What hurts the most

greetings.

i'm walking on the pavements, looking at the street.

counting on the steps i've taken to carry on this walk.

you see, i'm not actually counting.

no. my head is too messed up.

thinking and playing again the picture of us laughing and smiling, all the good time.

tell me, how can i concentrate with what i am doing if my head keep flying.

you've drugged me. 

so, when you left, there is only pain.

yes.

i'm aching.

* * *

know what hurts the most?

when you leave, and never explained the truth. i just know. your eyes tells everything.

know what hurts the most?

when i stay, i linger with the shadows of our past, our promises. yours and mine.

know what hurts the most?

when i already aware that i'm no longer important, no longer the source of your brain to think.

know what hurts the most?

when i know, others can now occupy the space in your heart, that you used to fill it with me, with my smile, with my laugh, with my life.

know what hurts the most?

being ignored like nothing.

know what hurts the most?

all my efforts in this distance not being understood.

know what hurts the most?

seeing you there, exist, without me by your side, advising, protecting and keeping you safe.

know what hurts the most?

when i no longer have the rights to care for you, the one i love. even asking for anything feels like a sin to me.

and know what hurts the most?

when i'm no longer the reason for your happiness and strength. 

and the absence of me from you is your happiness. oh reminding this frightened me.

* * *

tahukah engkau?

laluan hari hari aku, selepas apa yang terjadi buat aku benar benar tak pasti.

tentang di mana aku berdiri.

apakah di sisi, di kanan ataupun kiri?

atau cuma di cebis memori yang sebenarnya tak sanggup kau lepasi.

tertinggalkah aku dalam kayuhan kaki kita melakar kehidupan sehari hari?

tahukah engkau?

banyak benar persoalan yang ingin aku lemparkan.

tentang beratkah dosa aku sehingga cerita ini engkau tamatkan.

dan tentang siapa yang mengisi hati engkau kini seharian.

tahukah engkau?

aku di sini separa mati.

kerana apa yang aku ada di dalam dada ini

separuhnya mati dan tercicir tidak kuketahui, separuh lagi telah kau bawa pergi.

dan aku bungkam, terpejam.

sakit dan pendam.

* * *

so...

know what hurts the most?

bila kau racun, tapi kau bukan juga penawarnya.

bila kau menyakiti, dan kau tak pula mengubati.

and this heart.

it was treated unfairly.

dan hati ini,

setelah ia dulu pernah dihenyak di tapak kaki oleh dia yang lama pergi,

aku amanahkan pada kau, tapi malah kau lepaskan pula jatuh dari jemari.

dan ia berkecai lagi.

that is the thing that hurts me,

the most.